The Awful Truth

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When we announced that Toothy Tile won our user-voted year-end awards, the Prop 88s (88 celebrity propositions we want passed, including T. Tile coming out of his very dusty closet), we suggested a lovely ceremony at the Beverly Hilton to make it official. You know, award him with an actual trophy instead of a trophy girlfriend, that sort of sensible thing.

We chose Oct. 11, National Coming Out Day, can't think why. Next thing you know, the senior catering manger from the damn Hilton emails us and wants to know if we really are booking the joint? I said I'd ask.

Toothy? Is it a date?

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Following their Laker game lover's romp, Reese and Jake went out for a java date in L.A. Except this time, the couple decided to spice things up by going to Peet's instead of Starbucks. And maybe in lieu of a walk, they'll go for a stroll? Vanilla or mocha? The questions are endless.

As announced by the great Britney organ itself, britneyspears.com, Brit-Brit's third single off Circus will be "If You Seek Amy." No, she isn't wondering what alley Amy Winehouse is stumbling through. If ya haven't heard the tune already, give it a listen above and see if you hear what our naughty ears are hearing.

B-Brit's still not that innocent, and neither is the song's chorus. So is the pop song gonna be censored for radio play or what? Would they bleep out not only the catchiest part of the song, but the song's title? There are gonna be tons of angry parents out there once their impressionable youths start chanting "ef you cee kay me" along with the Britster.

Sly how they got away without slapping a "parental advisory" sticker on Circus. Brit could use that sticker herself, taped right to her forehead. Me, too, for that matter!

GAFFIOT / STEPH / POOL / VISUAL Press Agency/ZUMAPress.com, AP Photo/Dan Steinberg, Eric Charbonneau/LeStudio/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
There's so much focus on Brad/Jennifer/Angelina that none of them will ever be a single entity again, so don't you think it's about time someone put the three of them in the same movie? How about a lesbian remake of The War of the Roses, with Brad as the attorney? The fans could see both women naked and trying to kill each other, and Brad could pretend to be smart.
—77bridge

Dear Twisted Mind:
If that tasty little flick actually happened, it would surpass The Dark Knight and Twilight combined. But what the hell makes you think Brad isn't brilliant, bridge-y? He's the doggiest of them all in this sorry scenario and yet he comes out looking like some kind of Gandhi-like peacekeeper in the latest W. Such a pile of crap!

Dear Ted:
I'm interested to hear your perspective on the death of Jett Travolta. Did the family's adherence to Scientology somehow contribute to Jett's death? Or if there wasn't a direct correlation, did their seeming denial of his true condition (perhaps autism or other developmental delay) have an influence because it wasn't treated adequately?
—Melinda

Dear Curious M:
I'm actually gonna go with Lisa Marie Presley on this one (or she did with me, as I said it in the Morning Piss yesterday), and I'll leave it at that for now. Do not use Jett's parents' issues to trample the boy's memory, please.

Dear Ted: 
The only way Toothy Tile or any of the gay celebs could ever come out is when they learn they are about to be "outed" by the media. We will never see a celeb of Toothy's status willingly come out.
—Catman 

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Kevin Winter/Getty Images

"Absolutely Kate! Not even a question. She's such a badass. Not a doubt in my mind."

—Revolutionary Road costar Katherine Hahn when we asked which half of the constantly fighting onscreen couple Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet would win an arm-wrestling contest. We're so not surprised, as Titanic's Rose coulda clobbered Jack in seconds flat. Beef it up, DiCaprio!

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OK, he's doable, but not that doable. If Rob Pattinson had half the heat the naughtier vampire boys in the mega nonsexual, Mormon-authored franchise Twilight had (Taylor Lautner, Kellan Lutz, Cam Gigandet, hello!), I'd understand all the slobbering, Kristen Stewart included.

But can't ya just see Robby in five years poofy 'n' pasty like Brendan Fraser? OK, maybe that's an exaggeration, as even Brendan took it back off after packing it on, but look, Bobby baby does like to throw 'em back, so that's the bloated road he's headed for, just warnin' y'all.

Also, I love perpetual horniness as much as the next orgasm-starved babe out there, but I just can't see panting—unrequitedly—for Edward for the next 265 installments the Twilight producers are so clearly planning. Harry Potter will be nothing next to this incorporated teen fest!

That said, can we please get Rob to hit the bench press, lay off the booze and perhaps utilize a facial expression or two? Is that so much to ask?

Anne Hathaway was a stunner last night at the Palm Springs Film Fest—no wonder new clandestine boy-toy Adam Shulman came out to support her—but the beauty also has some brains, par-tick about Barack.

"I expect [Obama] to explain that choice of Rick Warren," says Anne. "I don't get it. All my friends and I were trying to figure it out, but we just can't. So I'd love that. Other than that, I expect nothing but the best" from the prez-elect.

Anne's got a lot of time on her hands to get into politics—the usually nonstop working gal tells us she's currently "unemployed...no projects lined up." Damn, is the economy really affecting even the rich 'n' glam? We're in more trouble than we thought.

Tho we're fairly certain the Golden Globe and potential Oscar nominee is gonna be OK. "From your mouth to God's ears!" she exclaims.

And oh yeah, the brunette babe spent the dorkiest holiday ever, check the clip above to find out just how lame it was. Jeez, is Hathaway running just a little too far in the other direction from hanging out with mobsters? You decide, babes. You always do.

—Additional reporting by Becky Bain

Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images for Overture Films

Princess of Skank Aubrey O'Day is no longer a virgin. A Playboy virgin, that is, 'cause A has agreed to bare all and appear on the cover for the mag later this year, as we're sure you're absolutely titillated to hear all about. The worst part about it is how much she's freaking getting paid to get naked, something she usually does for free anyways. Check it out:

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"I feel like I need a drink."

—Sean Penn, on his way to the Palm Springs Film Festival last night, such the surprise from the man who took press questions for his Mystic River Oscar with a tumbler in hand. If Penn wins for Milk, jeez, he'll probably have a bottle at the damn podium.

AP Photo/Chris Pizzello

Dear Ted:
What is your take on the rumors about Téa and David getting back together? It all looks like a PR stunt to me. After seeing images of them together, David looks miserable and Téa seems to be the one who wants to continue the marriage, not David. What is Téa's motive?
—Lindaderlin 

Dear Faux-Real:
Uh, there are other human beings involved in his sad tale, darling, namely children. Remember them? Not that anybody ever really does in these tabloid split-up showdowns. Also, there's Ms. Leoni's pride, probably the thing folks have lost sight of most, including her. 

Dear Ted:
Love the not-too-subtle digs at Manjawlina Jolie. However, I wanted to point out that Ms. Jolie had the opportunity to meet Jennifer Aniston face-to-face at last year's pre-Oscar party, which she and Brad were supposed to attend, but she was a no-show. She managed to make it to a film festival the same day, one I never heard of, so she was obviously not ill. She took the coward's way out, despite claiming publicly that she would "welcome" a meeting with Jennifer. Jennifer has handled this whole affair a lot more gracefully than I would have done.
—Fembot 

Dear Kill With Kindness:
It's not exactly anything Jen has said that irks me; it's how she goes about it. Like hitting every magazine cover out right now and giving the same damn, self-pitying interview.

Dear Ted:
I don't understand why Brad Pitt is being so well reviewed for Benjamin Button. I found the movie too long and his performance was mostly wooden and monotonous. Oscar? Give me a break. Now that we know Jen was too boring to make your Blind Vices, has Brad ever been the subject of a Ted B.V.?
—Amcmurf 

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Hector Vallenilla, PacificCoastNews.com

Somewhere, we're absolutely certain, tween heads are exploding (or not, since this isn't about Robert Pattinson) because Twilight stud Kellan Lutz and 90210's AnnaLynne McCord took things to the next level by stepping out in public together in Miami over the holidays.

McCord, who was dressed in a figure-flattering strapless minidress, danced the night away over at Shore Club with her new BF. Only problem is Kellan might not have been up to speed on their dating status 'cause he was sucking on someone else's neck shortly after midnight, blabbed a partygoer. So is K.L. really that kind of guy? We had to inquire with a former Lutz girlfriend to find out.

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Courtesy of Travolta Family

The horrible death of Jett Travolta, a boy whose body wasn't exactly in tip-top shape, was such a shock to most of us—just not the few who are now crying that Jett's untimely end could have somehow been avoided, should his parents not have been followers of the famously antidrug Scientology religion.

Look, I'm no fan of Scientology, but I'm a huge fan of John. I'm also a big believer in letting families alone at times like this. How dare autism organizations swoop in on the Travoltas during their time of loss and try and suck out some kind of endorsement deal—hours after their kid passed away! And what right have Scientology haters to use Jett's demise as yet another salvo against their archenemy?

None, I say. Absolutely nada. Jett, after all, didn't ask to be born with Kawasaki syndrome, an autoimmune disorder his parents were on record stating he had. Nor did he ask to be born the kid of public figures who worship not as many would prefer them to. Show Jett some respect, already.