In this tense morsel from MTV's From G's to Gents, some craven, faceless hater gets a bit disrespectful with a Sharpie in lieu of the traditional can of spray paint...which is a least a small step toward refinement.

Longtime mustache supporter Jeff Foxworthy will be putting his grandchildren through Ol' Miss thanks to the “you might be a redneck” premise alone, yet CMT (that’s Country Music Television for those living above the Mason Dixon line) is taking a much firmer stance. You are a redneck if you appear on Redneck Dreams, where the dreams of rednecks, yes, come true. Be it a new pontoon boat, a barbecue or boobs (their examples), if the magical CMT dream weavers “think you deserve it, it’s yours!” See Jeff the Pantomime, Bird-Killing Sherriff, along with his pit hair, his twitchy upper lip and his mad bird-calling skills. And he's here to humiliate himelf beg for a custom decoy trailer—to carry plastic ducks—surely the stuff of dreams. (Sorry ladies, looks like he’s wearing a ring).

Earlier this month, vegan baldy Moby caused a big stink over the farts of cattle, who he claims are leaving a carbon ass-print on the global-warming crisis bigger than all the cars, trucks and SUVs in the world combined. The threat of the planet becoming one big Dutch oven is clearly a nightmare for Moby, yet he seems to have much more compassion for the noxious air of humans than our gaseous bovine buddies. (Before you jump, get a huff of Mob's Earth-loving, fart-joke setup vid "Whispering Wind.")

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For years, countless eyeballs have stared at the dark, angelic form of Jessica Alba, and sometimes even at her acting. Now Jalba is returning the favor. Taste the sheer intensity of a prolonged eye freeze with the star who broke our hearts in Flipper and put them back together again in Loveboat: The Next Wave as she challenges you to a staring contest. Can you hold out until she removes her top blinks?

Watch self-proclaimed Angry Black Woman Omarosa defend her title against Wendy Williams as the barbs fly. And rest assured, from nose jobs to wigs, no one is spared! What a tag team these two would make if they could only get along.

While scanning Gene Simmons’ personal website for “Headline News,” we came across a letter from a girl who wants to be a "part-time plus-size model," seeking wisdom from longtime model enthusiast Gene. Simmsy illustrated his advice—“don’t put all your eggs in one basket”—with some personal resume history: “By the time KISS started, I had a BACHELOR OF ARTS [Gene’s caps] degree in Education...taught sixth grade for a short time...worked as the Assistant to the Editor at Vogue and Glamour magazines...worked as the Assistant to the Director of the Puerto Rican InterAgency Association...”

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If you’ve ever fantasized about your dining-room table not only being able to talk but also  being a large black woman named Luenell who enjoyed having you and your family eat sushi off of her, then prepare to have that fantasy come true. Or have it destroyed forever thanks to this wretched chunk of Reality Bites Back. Good morning!

Heath Ledger steeped himself so deeply in the role of The Dark Knight’s Joker that he said it became a highly disturbing experience for him; the ultimate toll it took on the late actor may never be known. On the bright side, however, you can make yourself look like the Joker and all you need is an iPhone. Forget about all that painful Method acting, just get the Apple application, snap yourself—or anyone, for that matter—and enjoy applying the make-up of, as the late Mr. Ledger described his character to the New York Times, a “psychopathic, mass murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.” Fun, eh?

Did you feel that? You know, that gust of chilly wind carrying the scent of roses and singed fur that just went by? I’ll tell you what it was: Time, my friends, and it’s making Miley Cyrus get all growed up. And as she grows, so does her unstoppable fame. So if you want a piece of innocent Miley before she’s in rehab and flicking butts at maître d's, go to the jump. Before that, you might want to indulge in the grab above of classic Miley through the disturbing lens of Sims2.

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As every right-thinking American can tell you, there are 12 monthly reasons why a woman should not be president. Can’t find a right-thinking American? Look no further than Brooke Hogan, who allegedly Knows Best. A small part of that burden of knowledge is revealed here, as the Hogie sand witch opines on how a period would turn a female ruler into a moody, PMS-ridden shrew. And Brooke, by the way, is “not into” voting. No matter when in November that, like, happens.

Whether he’s wearing a studded leather codpiece beneath the flowing robes or not is between Brother Cesare—aka Brother Metal—and the Creator Himself, but then Catholicism is built on wondrous, magical secrets. Anyway, dig the goat-throwing, 62-year-old, metal-worshiping monk (not to be confused with these Monks), now riding his second album. B.M. saw Metallica 15 years ago and has been wailing about sex, drugs and booze ever since, utilizing a howl that’d do Satan proud; plus, that snazzy ZZ Top beard, which he had anyway. Balls-out Brother Ceez wants the pope to hear his devastating thrash offerings. Why? 'Cause “he is a music lover, and metal is music!” Amen, Bro!

AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill

Note to the marketing strategists at Depends: Consider Justin Timberlake as the poster boy for a new line of young adult diapers, Totally Depends. The frank superstar admits that when he met his all-time hero, Michael Jordan, his bladder did a number on him. “He was like, 'Hey man, my kids and I, we're big fans of your music,' ” revealed Timberlake. “And I was like, 'That's cool...' Up until the point where he walked away and I realized I had peed a little.” Not only was the Lake unable to make it to a bathroom, he couldn’t even go in sink [insert crickets].